Merry Christmas Stamps?

In all of my whining and self-loathing of Christmas I really let the "to-do's" of Christmas sneak up on me. I am normally done with all of my Christmas shopping before December arrives. I seriously just bought my first gift two days ago. Seriously.

I did manage to write a Christmas letter and put pictures of the family on the back. My printer was running out of ink though so the pictures are in black and white instead of color. Maybe if I had been thinking of a Christmas letter in advance I would have purchased ink, or even better quality paper. I didn't though. I also forgot to buy stamps. I went to the UPS store yesterday to ship a box to my sister/friend Laura, in New York, and remembered the stamps. Guess what! The UPS store was out of all stamps except Simpson stamps. Really? Really.

I only sent out 17 Christmas letters. Last years I sent out 75. "Why?" you ask. Well, I don't really have a good answer except that my ink ran out and I am using Simpson stamps. I looked over my list and decided to mail to people who are far away that I do not keep up with on Facebook. I did send three or four to some local friends who I know keep their cards and letters from year to year. I didn't want them to look back some time and wonder what was wrong with me in 2009 that I didn't send out a card. I didn't send to any of my coworkers. They see me every day and know I am crazy. If I get more ink I will print some out and hand deliver but really, the likelihood of me purchasing more ink in the next week is slim to none. So if you are one of the few to receive a letter from me, please don't judge me for the Homer Simpson stamp on the front. Just know that it is me, trying my best to be jolly.

Swish, Swish, Sweep, Sweep

That's the sound on sweeping. I'm cleaning out my heart, you see. Last night I was reminded that our heart's can become as cluttered as out closets. We tend to store things away, both the good and the bad. The problem is that it has been a really long time since I've reorganized and swept. I have collected much bitterness. So much that it has begun to spill out of the boxes I had been storing it in so neatly and it is beginning to stink. It has stained a few key areas of my life and I've decided that it's time that I do a little tidying up.
I believe it's a bit like nesting. About a week before my first child was born I had a strong urge to organize her room. I opened all of the packages of onesies and socks. I hung all of her little outfits neatly in the closet in order according to size. I lined up all the little shoes and placed all of her books on a shelf. I dusted off all my old baby dolls and sat them in a corner of her room. I did all of this in the hopes that the tiny infant would somehow know that I loved her all the more because I had created this special place for her.
I claim that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus. I have always said that it's not about the cookies, the parties, the gifts, or any of the other stuff that clutters our calendars. Yet I have spent the past week complaining about all of it while I try to cram more in. I have piled box upon box in the crowded spaces of my heart and left little room for the Christ-child to be welcomed to.
As I stood in the shower this morning I imagined the water washing away the tears and the pain. I imagined God standing with me, holding the dust pan as I swept all of my heartache toward him. He smiled and took it all willingly. We stood back together and looked at the space we had created for his son and it felt good.
Does this mean that my tears are forever gone? Probably not. Because I am a sinner I will probably try to store some things back and I might even try to head out to the dumpster in what I call "cleaner's regret". I may try to pull some things out, dust them off, and cry over them once more. I hope not though. I pray that I will continue to hand God the dust pan and that he will forever smile as I sweep my heartaches to him.

Sobbing

The flat line feeling left me yesterday. Unfortunately it left as I stood in the shower and sobbed. I believe because the next week is filled with so many things that I wish my mom could be a part of I was able to feel something. That something was anger. I suddenly became so filled with rage that as the salty tears streamed down my face my whole body began to shake. With each shake the anger grew stronger and stronger.
She should be here to attend the Christmas Tea with me. She should be at my table.
She should be here to hear Seth sing with his preschool class at Advent service on Wednesday night. She should be sitting next to me with a camera in hand.
She should be here to help me prepare for my staff Christmas party on Friday. She would have baked wonderfully yummy goodies and helped me clean the house.
She should be here on Saturday for Shelby's dance recital. She would have laughed so hard at my little girl dancing to "The Martian Hop" in her neon green dress and gold antennae.
Should. Should. Should.
Why would a mother choose to leave her child in this kind of grief? Why would she choose to abandon me in this way. And why, after twelve years, do I still feel anger that causes me to sob hysterically in my shower. Why is it that, when I have a heavenly father who willingly takes all of my sorrows and burdens, I continue to hold on to my immense grief.
A dear friend asked me this morning if I still think of Mom every day, even after twelve years. My answer was yes. I do think of her every day. Probably 90% of my days though, contain only fleeting thoughts. Happy thoughts. I think of her when Shelby says something sassy or funny because she and my mom are like two peas from the same pod. I think of her often as I am preparing dinner. It is only on certain occasions that I go here, to this dark place. I sometimes allow myself down the path of anger and depression and sorrow. I don't ever know I am going there until I sitting smack dab in the middle though and I am often shocked at when the journey took place. It's like when you find yourself sitting in your garage with a car full of groceries and you don't really remember leaving the parking lot of the store. (Or does that only happen to me?) It always surprises me and I think that makes it just that much harder. I feel like if I knew it was coming then I could do something to change direction or jump to a different path. Regardless of how I got here, I am here.
My prayer is that I will feel relief soon. My prayer is that when this week is over I will feel relief. My prayer is that I can get on board this holiday train because my husband and children deserve a wife and mother who is present. My prayer is that I can hand my grief over to God and really let him handle it instead of rolling around in the saltiness of it as I am. My prayer is that I can be a better friend to those around me instead of Debbie Downer that everyone feels they need to hug. (Although I do enjoy the hugs.) My prayer is that I can focus of the joy of my Savior and less on the sadness of the one who would steal my joy.

Flat-lined

I haven't posted in a while because, well, I haven't had much to say. The reason being that my doctor has upped my dosage of anti-depressant/anxiety meds and I feel totally flat-lined lately. It's great not to feel the crazy low that the holidays can bring but I am not feeling the highs either and that makes me a little sad. Well, it would if I could feel sad.
Last week Shelby asked me if I was angry or happy because she couldn't really tell. She's six and she could see it. Chuck asks me almost every day if I'm okay. My friend/brother/coworker Ted keeps asking me if I'm alright. The truth is, I am alright. I'm not angry. I'm not happy either. I'm just not anything.
I am so excited for this weekend to come because it kicks off so many "holiday" events and I am really hoping and praying for a refocus of what matters at Christmas, which is the celebration of the birth of my Savior. Our church choir cantata is this Sunday and it is always such a huge blessing to me in the way God works through our music team. I have my book club Christmas party on Monday. Tuesday is the Christmas Tea at church and always an incredible awesome experience of God's love and fellowship with other women. I have our staff Christmas party at my house the following Friday and Shelby's Christmas dance recital the day after. So really, next week is all Christmas, 24/7. If I don't feel something that week then I don't expect to feel anything all season. I have faith though that God is bigger than depression and anxiety and that he is bigger than a little pill that is used to treat those things. I have faith in my doctor who says it takes a few weeks to adjust to the new dosage. So until then, Ho-Ho-Ho.

In A Christmas State of Mind

It's that time of year again. Thanksgiving is but two short days away and the Christmas holiday is upon us. My house has been decorated for two weeks. I know it sounds crazy but, well, I've never denied my crazies. I was having a really down day a couple of Mondays ago and just decided to pull it all out. I love Christmas. I love the decorations. I love the cooler weather. I love it all.
Now, mind you, this love also comes with bitter sweetness. Christmas was my mom's absolute favorite time of year. She way over did decorations and baking but she loved every minute of it. I am trying to embrace those happy memories this year and not focus on the pain of losing her. I am still baffled at the ways the grief can still flood in at the most unexpected times. Yesterday, for instance, when I was at the pediatrician's office, again, with the kids, I was hit by a moment of sadness. There was a young mom sitting with a very sick little girl in her lap. Next to the woman was what appeared to be her mom and she was rubbing her daughter's neck gently. All I wanted was a break from being sick and from my kids being sick and to have my mom there at the doctor with me to rub my neck. It does me no good though to focus on that sadness. I acknowledged it, hugged Shelby and made a silent promise to myself to never abandon her or Seth. Then today I put a Christmas background on my blog because, hey, Christmas decorating makes me smile.
Today I chose to be thankful. I am thankful for a husband who understands my mania and allows me to continue to drape Christmas ribbon and Santa's and snowmen in every corner of our house. I am thankful for my kids who are crazy and loud but loving. I am thankful for good friends. I am thankful for a great job and great coworkers who give the best hugs. And I am thankful for free blog backgrounds that come in cheery, Christmas themes.